Season 3 Episode 12
- Ece Ulus
- 1 day ago
- 9 min read
Song: If I Had a Million Dollars
Year: 1988
Artist: Barenaked Ladies
Album: Gordon
Language Focus: Unreal Conditionals
Episode Description
Have you ever thought about what you would do if you had a million dollars? In order to think about this, or write or talk about it in English, you need to use an unreal conditional. For example, if we had a million dollars, we would spend all our time working on the podcast!
In Season 3, Episode 12, we focus on the unreal conditionals in the song, “If I had a Million Dollars,” by the Canadian group, Barenaked Ladies. They would do lots of funny things. Take a listen to the episode to find out exactly what they would do and how you can use the unreal conditional in English!
🎶Have fun, and…just keep singing!🎶
Episode Transcript
<intro>
E: Hi! I’m Ece.
H: And I’m Heather.
E: We’re the hosts of the podcast, “English as a Singing Language.”
H: We’re both experienced language teachers who love to use songs to teach -
E: -and learn-
H: that’s right - and learn languages.
E: In our last episode, we focused on comparative adjectives in our celebration of women for International Women’s Day.
H: That’s right. Our playlist was even better this year than it was last year!
E: So, how about this episode? What’s the focus this time?
H: Ah, Ece, if I had a penny for every time we asked that question…
E: Haha! If we had a penny for every time we asked that question,
E + H: We’d be rich!
H: That’s right. We would.
E: Wait a minute! Are you trying to tell me that we’re going to talk about unreal conditionals?
H: If we talked about unreal conditionals, that would be a very interesting episode.
E: Oh my gosh! I can’t wait to talk about this episode.
H: Me neither! Let’s get started!
<end intro>
E: <humming Barenaked Ladies “If I had a million dollars”>
H: Hi Ece! Ece! Hello Ece!
E: Oh! Hi Heather!
H: You were pretty lost in thought there. What were you thinking about?
E: I was just imagining what my life would be like if I had more money.
H: Hmmm…more money would definitely make some things easier.
E: We could just focus on the podcast all the time.
H: That would be great.
E: Yes, it would. But unfortunately, this is just an imaginary situation.
H: It’s not real.
E: And it’s probably not going to become real.
H: No, probably not. But it’s fun to think about sometimes.
E: If we’re going to do that, we need to use the unreal conditional.
H: The unreal wha-?
E: The unreal conditional verb tense. Like in the song I was just listening to.
H: It sounded like the 1992 hit folk rock song by the Canadian band, Barenaked Ladies, “If I had a Million Dollars.”
E: That’s right. “If I had a Million Dollars,” was a big hit for them in the early 1990s.
H: It’s a very funny song with a lot of silly lyrics, right?
E: That’s right. In fact, according to Wikipedia, this is how the song was written, <quote> “It was first conceived as a simple improvised song while Page and Robertson were counselors at a summer music camp. On the way home from camp, Robertson played the tune for the campers, randomly listing amusing things he would buy with a million dollars.”
H: That makes sense. It almost sounds like a song you would sing at a summer camp.
E: Which also means that there is some fun vocabulary in this song too.
H: Very cool, but I guess before we start talking about the lyrics, we should first talk about the grammar.
E: Agree. So, we use the unreal conditional tense for things, as the name implies, that are not real.
H: I remember back in Season 1, Episode 15, we talked about real conditionals in the song “Can’t Buy Me Love,” by the Beatles.
E: We did! That’s a great episode. If you like songs by the Beatles and you love grammar, you will love that one.
H: I see what you did there. Nice use of the real conditional.
E: Thank you. But if we’re talking about something that isn’t true, and probably won’t be true, we use the unreal conditional.
H: So, we use simple past tense in the “if” clause,
E: And a “would” or “could” verb in the result clause.
H: Hmmmm….I could say, “If I spent more time learning Russian, I would speak it better.”
E: Right! And I could say, “If I had artistic talent, I would paint your portrait.”
H: Cool. So, in this song, the unreal conditional is, “If I had a million dollars,” which they don’t, but they’re singing about all the things they would do if they had that much money.
E: Let’s take a look at some of those things.
H: It starts off pretty much how you would expect, “If I had a million dollars, I would buy you a house.”
E: and, “I’d buy you furniture for your house.” That seems like a pretty typical thing that people would do if they got a million dollars.
H: They do make a little joke saying, “maybe a chesterfield or an ottoman.”
E: What kind of furniture is that? Those are interesting names for furniture.
H: A “chesterfield” is a type of sofa that is usually covered in leather or velvet and has buttons on it. It’s a pretty old-fashioned type of sofa.
E: And an “ottoman” is a kind of stool or footrest that is covered in material so it is soft.
H: It would probably match the chesterfield.
E: It probably would.
H: The next thing they sing about is, “Well, I’d buy you a K-Car, a nice reliant automobile.”
E: Do you remember K-cars, Heather?
H: They were a line of cars produced by Chrysler automobile corporation between 1981 and 1989. They were known to be a reliable and dependable car.
E: We wouldn’t use “reliant” in this case, would we?
H: No, I think maybe they’re using it because it fits better in the lyrics, but it should be “reliable” and not “reliant.”
E: Then he ends the verse with, “If I had a million dollars I would buy your love.”
H: Haha which we know from the Beatles song, “Can’t buy me love,” is impossible to do.
E: No, you can’t buy love.
H: The next thing the singers say they would do is, “I’d build a tree fort in our yard.”
E: I always wanted a tree fort when I was younger.
H: Me too! I always thought it would be great to have a little house up in a tree where I could spend time with my friends.
E: And in this line, you notice he sings “I’d” instead of “I would.”
H: That’s a very common contraction. “I’d” instead of “I would.”
E: They go on to talk about other things they would have in the tree fort like sausages and a refrigerator.
H: That would be pretty cool. You could just hang in the tree fort.
E: The next thing they say they’d do is, “Well, I'd buy you a fur coat, but not a real fur coat, that's cruel.”
H: The word “cruel” means causing pain or suffering. So, it could be considered cruel to kill an animal to take its fur and wear it.
E: How about the next line, “If I had a million dollars, well, I'd buy you an exotic pet. Yep, like a llama or an emu.”
H: Those are definitely more exotic pets than a dog or a cat.
E: I don’t know anyone who has a llama or an emu as a pet. An emu is a giant bird like an ostrich, right?
H: Right. My house is way too small to have a llama or an emu!
E: The next line sounds pretty good though, “We wouldn't have to walk to the store. If I had a million dollars, Now, we'd take a limousine 'cause it costs more.”
H: Can you imagine having a driver to take you to the store in a limousine?
E: That would be crazy.
H: The next line talks about what they wouldn’t do if they had a million dollars.
E: Oh yeah? What’s that?
H: They sing, “We wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner, but we would eat Kraft Dinner. Of course we would, we'd just eat more.”
E: Kraft dinners like the cheap macaroni and cheese dinners?
H: That’s right. With the powdered cheese.
E: Oh my gosh. I ate so much of that when I was in graduate school.
H: Me too! And I actually ate macaroni and cheese just the other night.
E: That line in the song was so popular, fans actually would bring boxes of Kraft dinner to their concerts and throw them on stage.
H: I think that would make it hard to sing - if people were throwing boxes of food at you!
E: It got to be too much, so instead they asked people to donate the boxes of macaroni and cheese to people who don’t have enough to eat.
H: They would put big boxes outside of the concert hall for people to put the macaroni and cheese in.
E: That’s a great way to solve the problem.
H: If you had a lot of extra food, it would be a good idea to donate it to people who need it!
E: I agree.
H: In the last part of that verse they sing about lots of funny things.
E: If I had a million dollars, I would buy you a green dress,
H: some art,
E: a monkey.
H: Haven’t you always wanted a monkey?
E: Actually, no. I think having a monkey would be terrible.
H: I’ll stick with my cat - no llamas, emus or monkeys for me!
E: This is such a fun song.
H: I think so too. And do you know what else I think?
E: That it’s time to sing?
H: Yes! It’s definitely time to sing!
E: There is a link to a studio recording of the Barenaked Ladies 1991 song, “If I had a Million Dollars,” in the episode notes. There is no official video for this song. There are many different live versions of the song on YouTube that you can check out, too.
H: Don’t forget to sing out loud as you listen.
E: And pay attention to all of the funny and interesting examples of the unreal conditional.
H: If we had a million dollars…
E + H: …we’d be rich.
<outtro>
E: So, Heather, what would you do with a million dollars?
H: That’s a good question. If I had a million dollars, I’d probably do a lot of traveling. I’d also spend a lot of time with my family. How about you, Ece?
E: If I had a million dollars, I would buy a big house to live in with all my friends.
H: That sounds great.
E: Who knows? Maybe the podcast will become incredibly popular and we’ll make a million dollars.
H: That would be fantastic, but I think it’s an unreal conditional, at least for right now!
E: Who knows? Listeners, make sure to tell your friends and family members to check out the podcast.
H: And be sure to like and subscribe wherever you listen to us.
E: You can also follow us on Instagram @singinglanguages.
H: And then who knows? Maybe we’ll get that million dollars!
E: Maybe…but until then, have fun and …
H + E: …just keep singing!
Official YouTube Video
Complete Lyrics
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I'd buy you a house
I would buy you a house
And if I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I'd buy you furniture for your house
Maybe a nice chesterfield or an ottoman
And if I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I'd buy you a K-Car
A nice reliant automobile
And if I had a million dollars
I'd buy your love
If I had a million dollars
I'd build a tree fort in our yard
If I had a million dollars
You could help, it wouldn't be that hard
If I had a million dollars
Maybe we can put like a little tiny fridge in there somewhere
You know, we could just go up there and hang
Like open the fridge and stuff
And there would already be foods laid out for us
Like little pre-wrapped sausages and things, mm
They have pre-wrapped sausages, but they don't have pre-wrapped bacon
Well, can you blame them?
Uh, yeah?
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I'd buy you a fur coat
But not a real fur coat, that's cruel
And if I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I'd buy you an exotic pet
Yep, like a llama or an emu
And if I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I'd buy you John Merrick's remains
Ooh, all them crazy elephant bones
And if I had a million dollars
I'd buy your love
If I had a million dollars
We wouldn't have to walk to the store
If I had a million dollars
Now, we'd take a limousine 'cause it costs more
If I had a million dollars
We wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner
But we would eat Kraft Dinner
Of course we would, we'd just eat more
And buy really expensive ketchups with it
That's right, all the fanciest-, Dijon ketchup, mm, mm
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I'd buy you a green dress
But not a real green dress, that's cruel
And if I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I'd buy you some art
A Picasso or a Garfunkel
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
Well, I'd buy you a monkey
Haven't you always wanted a monkey?
If I had a million dollars
I'd buy your love
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
If I had a million dollars
I'd be rich
Songwriters: Ed Robertson / Steven Page
If I Had $1000000 lyrics © Wb Music Corp., Treat Baker Music Inc., Fresh Baked Goods Inc, Back Pages Music
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